Categories
Mental Health

What’s wrong with me?

And then all the insults repeat in your head until they’re all you can hear, all you can think about, consuming your being until compliments are background noise to you.

What many people don’t understand is things stick in your mind like tumours, growing until it consumes you. Even the slightest negative thing in my mind is magnified, some dark side of my brain feeds on it, using it as a weapon against me every minute of every day until I start believing every word. Even light-hearted banter feels so wrong to me, I laugh it off and say something back but even words that aren’t meant to cause harm cut and just as deeply as the ones that are, and especially coming from a friend group that uses self deprecation humour and making fun of each other as a primary entertainment source, it’s hard not to become distracted from the conversation by their voices in my head repeating over again. My own mind doesn’t allow me to rest, it doesn’t let me completely get rid of the thoughts because it’s always in the back of my head, even if I’m out with my friends it’s there making me wonder why they bother with me, and if I’m ruining things for them. But it ruins things for me. It drains my energy and any humour or conversation feels forced and meaningless, like until I’ve fixed myself there’s no point in talking to people who don’t want to talk to me.

It’s like a cycle. First it all happens, whether it’s a joke or otherwise, it happens, then an all too familiar feeling comes up, it’s almost a mix of dread and shame right in the core of your whole being, and then all the insults repeat in your head until they’re all you can hear, all you can think about, consuming your being until compliments are background noise to you, and you can’t get it out of your mind. Its there for the rest of the day, so that’s when you start wanting to fix it.

But nothing feels good enough for you. You still feel judged and alone in the abyss of your own self hate, and you don’t know what’s wrong with you, you want help out of it all but you don’t want to stay the same, the same is never good enough, you have to fix it. You have to fix what’s wrong with you.

That’s just what it’s like for me. I live in a constant state of nothing but bitterness, I avoid mirrors because when I don’t avoid them I see myself. I see what everyone else sees, and I hate that. I don’t want to see myself from anyone else’s point of view, even if it means I have to deal with my own point of view.

My own point of view was fashioned from other people’s words, said out of humour or spite, it doesn’t matter, my brain is no longer able to distinguish between the two. Even if they apologised later- because the way I see it, if you say something about me, you mean it, and apologising to me means you’re sorry that it upset me, it doesn’t mean your opinion has changed. So those words stay there too.

What’s wrong with me?

Categories
Depression Mental Health

Am I Normal?

WARNING- Suicidal Thoughts

I’ve known there has to be something different about me for a while now. Something was always hanging over me these past few years, especially recently. When I was younger, I was never like that. I was a confident kid, I never bothered about the way I looked because I thought I looked normal. Looking back at old photos, I know I didn’t, but did that matter? I wish I had that version of me back, when I didn’t care about what anyone else thought about me, or about how I dressed, or about boys or bitches at my school, none of that ever mattered until high school came around.

I’ve felt there’s always something new that’s wrong with me, some insecurity I’d notice and try and hide. Things like being too skinny or having a weird face shape, things I didn’t see at first, then saw on pictures, then gradually became all I could look at in the mirror. It slowly started seeping into my social life as well. I have one friend who I always had good banter with, until I starting taking appearance jokes more seriously, and then it wasn’t funny to me anymore- but I still nod and laugh, like it’s a normal thing. It was a normal thing. There’s something wrong with me to feel like this all the time I know it.

I wanted to kill myself. I still do sometimes. I’m not particularly smart or particularly pretty or talented, so the chances of me making it in life are pretty much next to none. So sometimes I think it would be better, but I can’t explain why or how I started feeling like this. I’ve researched the most painless ways to kill yourself, but 40 redirections to helplines later, I gave up on that. I know it’s a coward move, but if I die, I don’t want to die mangled, disfigured and in pain. It would probably be more respectful to family and friends to die peacefully.

All this talk about death is scaring me. I’ve never put any of these thoughts down on paper before, so I never realised how abnormal they actually are. I thought it was normal, I thought everyone thinks like that, that I’d never go through with it. I didn’t think there was everything wrong with it. It gets undermined a lot within the internet, what with memes and self deprecation humour, so I thought if they think like that, it’s normal for me to think it. I hate the body I was born in, I’m so close to having my Dad’s face I look like a deformed carbon copy of him from certain angles, and whenever I do see it, it reminds me of what happened to him in 2018 and how he was left behind in the 2010s decade just like I should be left in 2020. When everyone else was celebrating and wishing each other happy new year, I was crying in my room listening to voice messages of my friends saying how grateful they were. I’m grateful for my friends, but they wouldn’t understand any of this, and I’m not prepared to say anything anyway. I should probably share how all this happened.

Like I said, I was a confident kid until high school years came. In my first year there, I tried wearing makeup. Biggest. Mistake. Ever. When I removed it on days when I wore it, that was when I started to see the imperfections it covered. That was when it all went wrong. I discovered Instagram, and started posting things there, but in most of my then-recent selfies I was wearing pretty heavy makeup.

I wore it every day to school. I still do. None of the problems in my face seemed visible before, then it was almost like they magnified. I’m not sure if it was my face that changed or me.

This has got worse since then. I don’t leave the house without makeup on, ever, not even for a 5 minute trip to the shop. Other people’s opinions mean so little in my life and yet they mean so much to me, I can’t explain it. Putting it in words on a screen sounds both stupid and scary, I’m finally realising how toxic my mind is but I won’t stop, just because I know it’s happening doesn’t mean I’m able to stop it.

This issue continued but progressed to my body. That wasn’t good enough either. I’m a plain, average height skinny girl. literally nothing special here, no defining features, nothing. My school uniform hangs off me like a curtain, my whole form somewhat resembles an ironing board and my face isn’t anything special either.

For a time, this was all I could think about. I still think about it regularly. Too regularly than I like. I even downloaded a workout app, which for me made things worse in a way. When I didn’t use it, I was yelling at myself inside my head to not be so lazy and do something about it because nobody will like me otherwise, but when I did use it I felt hopeless when I couldn’t do one of the things it asked me to. So I guess I’ll ask again

Am I normal?

Categories
Uncategorized

The Journey Begins

Thanks for joining me!

Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton

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