And then all the insults repeat in your head until they’re all you can hear, all you can think about, consuming your being until compliments are background noise to you.
What many people don’t understand is things stick in your mind like tumours, growing until it consumes you. Even the slightest negative thing in my mind is magnified, some dark side of my brain feeds on it, using it as a weapon against me every minute of every day until I start believing every word. Even light-hearted banter feels so wrong to me, I laugh it off and say something back but even words that aren’t meant to cause harm cut and just as deeply as the ones that are, and especially coming from a friend group that uses self deprecation humour and making fun of each other as a primary entertainment source, it’s hard not to become distracted from the conversation by their voices in my head repeating over again. My own mind doesn’t allow me to rest, it doesn’t let me completely get rid of the thoughts because it’s always in the back of my head, even if I’m out with my friends it’s there making me wonder why they bother with me, and if I’m ruining things for them. But it ruins things for me. It drains my energy and any humour or conversation feels forced and meaningless, like until I’ve fixed myself there’s no point in talking to people who don’t want to talk to me.
It’s like a cycle. First it all happens, whether it’s a joke or otherwise, it happens, then an all too familiar feeling comes up, it’s almost a mix of dread and shame right in the core of your whole being, and then all the insults repeat in your head until they’re all you can hear, all you can think about, consuming your being until compliments are background noise to you, and you can’t get it out of your mind. Its there for the rest of the day, so that’s when you start wanting to fix it.
But nothing feels good enough for you. You still feel judged and alone in the abyss of your own self hate, and you don’t know what’s wrong with you, you want help out of it all but you don’t want to stay the same, the same is never good enough, you have to fix it. You have to fix what’s wrong with you.
That’s just what it’s like for me. I live in a constant state of nothing but bitterness, I avoid mirrors because when I don’t avoid them I see myself. I see what everyone else sees, and I hate that. I don’t want to see myself from anyone else’s point of view, even if it means I have to deal with my own point of view.
My own point of view was fashioned from other people’s words, said out of humour or spite, it doesn’t matter, my brain is no longer able to distinguish between the two. Even if they apologised later- because the way I see it, if you say something about me, you mean it, and apologising to me means you’re sorry that it upset me, it doesn’t mean your opinion has changed. So those words stay there too.
What’s wrong with me?